I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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