She said her name was "party"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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