I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
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