tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
