Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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