so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
