Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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