Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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