It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
