two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
