I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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