So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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