I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
