I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
