my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
