You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
