I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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