yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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