I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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