my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
there is glitter all over my balls
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
