She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Barsexuality is the new black.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize