Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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