Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
