I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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