Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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