guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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