My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize