I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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