the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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