Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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