totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
