She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
