my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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