I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
