I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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