dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
