whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
