I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
