someone get that fucking seahorse.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
