Well douche your snatch and let's go!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
