when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
