last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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