I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
