i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
