Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
