i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
