I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
