Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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