The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
