My hand turned me down
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
