just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
