Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
