1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
