i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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